tellthestory | THE BOX OFFICE

A little? My first show was... [He doesn't seem to know quite what to say, but settles on:] ...more abstract than some.

[He takes a long sip of cider.]

I guess the rest of that cast is still back there. They didn't come with me.

Oh, s-so you were in, um. You were like an actor before you came here? Like- like a musical, I'm guessing. You-you're an excellent singer, um.

I wish you didn't have to sing about, you know, um. Yeah.

...well, I was their narrator. But thanks.

[He looks down at the mug, cupping both hands around it.]

There was a lot of murder in that show too. That's why they thought I was a good pick for this.

[Billy winces, staring into his own mug as well, expression sad and pensive.]

...I'm sorry.

Is that, um... is that what...they rescued you from?

Yeah. It all went south.

[He sighs.] I mean, I should have been expecting it. I just never thought they'd actually turn on me in the middle of a show like that.

[...Oh no protect him]

'They?' You mean your castmates...right?

I didn't mean to bring up bad memories for you. I-I just...

No, no, it's fine. Pretending things didn't happen won't help.

Besides, I know a lot about you. It wouldn't be fair not to answer any questions about myself.

[Billy takes a thoughtful sip of his cider.]

I-it's just...weird, you know? None of us were a-actors, or anything. The closest I ever came was running a vlog.

Well, you're people, you know? You've all got your own stories. Most of my last cast wasn't actors either...just one.

[wow it sure sounds like he dislikes this one particular actor]

You sound like you're not a fan.

[That's kind of an understatement, bro, you said that with the same vitriol that Billy uses when he says "Captain Hammer"]

I-I mean, I can see why you wouldn't be a fan of any of them, but...

[But that had kind of a "fuck that guy in particular" vibe.]

You know how it is. Some people can justify anything they do. They all did, I guess, but he was just so -

[Apparently the Balladeer can do a pitch-perfect Southern accent:] "Oh, I'm just like Brutus, I'll be remembered as a hero, I'm so great and perfect and not just a racist murderer".

Sounds like a grade-A tool.

[As he takes a sip of his cider, then a slightly bigger sip because shit it's starting to go cold now.]

Your last show wasn't like...this, was it? They weren't killing each other?

Oh, no. They were...mmm, not friends, maybe. They were alike.

[He's been talking more, and he takes a long drink before going on.]

And the show was about what they'd already done, not what they were going to do.

'What they'd...'

So somebody brought them all together and you sang about the murders they committed? That's...

[That's fucked up.]

Were they all, um, were they all American, too?

Yeah. Different time periods, though. Kinda like with all you guys!

Huh. I-I guess they'd have to be some pretty high-profile guys to warrant being brought together like that...

So, um. You... your name isn't "Balladeer," right? I mean, it's alright if that's what you want us to keep calling you, I-I'm just curious, because, um, y-you know my secret identity...

[So if you tell him yours he can keep a secret, bro]

[He snorts and says dryly:] They would love to hear you say that.

And no, that's the only name I have. It's the role I'm supposed to play. [He considers this, mug held to his lips for a moment as if to conceal his expression.] I'd rather you called me that than Showrunner.

Well. Maybe high-profile victims, anyway.

...I don't think any of us want to lump you in with the showrunners. But don't you want to be more than just a role? You could name yourself anything you wanted, you could- could be Neil, or Douglas, or Barney, or anything you wanted.

I-I'm not saying that it's bad to be the Balladeer, but you're... you're more than just that. You deserve a name, not just a title, you know?

[You're our friend. His expression is earnest, as he takes another sip of cider.]

Just don't pick Billy. I think we already get mixed up enough.

[oh my god was that a joke it was.]

Oh, yeah. It's a good way to get attention - and I guess once you're that high-profile, you just start attracting weirdos.

[He snorts at the list of names, but looks rather pleased.]

Definitely not Billy...you know, I think Captain Hook thinks we're the same person. He was in here just the other day to tell me how he was "onto your tricks, Billy." [oh look at that, he can do a darn good Hook impression too] Might actually work out well for you - there's a rule against hurting me, after all.

I run a vlog and I attract weirdos. Well, a weirdo.

[Fuck off Johnny Snow

Ok he chuckles a little into his mug at that, but there's a shadow of concern in his eyes.]

...Or he'll think that you're me and therefore the rule doesn't apply. He's not, um. Not the sharpest hook in the shed.

[Then, sotto voce, mumbled as he drains the dregs of his cider.]

Maybe I just have bad luck with captains

Ha, now imagine if you were president.

[The Balladeer frowns a little.] I didn't think of that. If he tried to attack me, they'd stop him, but...you should be careful. You were probably doing that anyway, I guess, but he really does not like us.

[.....]

...geez, you do have bad captain luck.

President? You mean you worked with-- Like, uh, your other cast members were, um, Booth a-and...those other guys?

[Well no wonder they turned on you, buddy, they're all whackjobs]

Yeah, I gathered that when he tried to pick my nose with his hook last night. Can't say I'm much of a fan, either. He's just an overblown bully who thinks he can get away with whatever he wants.

Oh my god, "those other guys". [He grins, delighted.] You don't know their names, do you?

He's the worst. I don't know how you all deal with him all the time - he's really frustrating during trials.

[Billy flushes in embarrassment, misreading the Balladeer's delight as mockery.] I-I was never interested in history too much in school... I have a bachelor's and three doctorates in science, I never had time...

[He probably couldn't tell you who Garfield or McKinley were or when they served either, tbh.]

Ugh, I have to stand next to the guy at trials. He smells like brine and mustache wax.

Oh no, nobody does! Lincoln's one thing, but the others? Footnotes in history. [He chuckles, waving a hand dismissively.] God, didn't I tell them?

How does he still smell like brine? He's been here a month! Does he not know how the showers work...? [oh god you know what don't answer that]

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I can't believe president kennedy is still alive

he is immortal now

President Kennedy, never assassinated, floats in the nothing.

I can't believe the existential horror was me all along

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