tellthestory | THE BOX OFFICE

Oh, no. They were...mmm, not friends, maybe. They were alike.

[He's been talking more, and he takes a long drink before going on.]

And the show was about what they'd already done, not what they were going to do.

'What they'd...'

So somebody brought them all together and you sang about the murders they committed? That's...

[That's fucked up.]

Were they all, um, were they all American, too?

Yeah. Different time periods, though. Kinda like with all you guys!

Huh. I-I guess they'd have to be some pretty high-profile guys to warrant being brought together like that...

So, um. You... your name isn't "Balladeer," right? I mean, it's alright if that's what you want us to keep calling you, I-I'm just curious, because, um, y-you know my secret identity...

[So if you tell him yours he can keep a secret, bro]

[He snorts and says dryly:] They would love to hear you say that.

And no, that's the only name I have. It's the role I'm supposed to play. [He considers this, mug held to his lips for a moment as if to conceal his expression.] I'd rather you called me that than Showrunner.

Well. Maybe high-profile victims, anyway.

...I don't think any of us want to lump you in with the showrunners. But don't you want to be more than just a role? You could name yourself anything you wanted, you could- could be Neil, or Douglas, or Barney, or anything you wanted.

I-I'm not saying that it's bad to be the Balladeer, but you're... you're more than just that. You deserve a name, not just a title, you know?

[You're our friend. His expression is earnest, as he takes another sip of cider.]

Just don't pick Billy. I think we already get mixed up enough.

[oh my god was that a joke it was.]

Oh, yeah. It's a good way to get attention - and I guess once you're that high-profile, you just start attracting weirdos.

[He snorts at the list of names, but looks rather pleased.]

Definitely not Billy...you know, I think Captain Hook thinks we're the same person. He was in here just the other day to tell me how he was "onto your tricks, Billy." [oh look at that, he can do a darn good Hook impression too] Might actually work out well for you - there's a rule against hurting me, after all.

I run a vlog and I attract weirdos. Well, a weirdo.

[Fuck off Johnny Snow

Ok he chuckles a little into his mug at that, but there's a shadow of concern in his eyes.]

...Or he'll think that you're me and therefore the rule doesn't apply. He's not, um. Not the sharpest hook in the shed.

[Then, sotto voce, mumbled as he drains the dregs of his cider.]

Maybe I just have bad luck with captains

Ha, now imagine if you were president.

[The Balladeer frowns a little.] I didn't think of that. If he tried to attack me, they'd stop him, but...you should be careful. You were probably doing that anyway, I guess, but he really does not like us.

[.....]

...geez, you do have bad captain luck.

President? You mean you worked with-- Like, uh, your other cast members were, um, Booth a-and...those other guys?

[Well no wonder they turned on you, buddy, they're all whackjobs]

Yeah, I gathered that when he tried to pick my nose with his hook last night. Can't say I'm much of a fan, either. He's just an overblown bully who thinks he can get away with whatever he wants.

Oh my god, "those other guys". [He grins, delighted.] You don't know their names, do you?

He's the worst. I don't know how you all deal with him all the time - he's really frustrating during trials.

[Billy flushes in embarrassment, misreading the Balladeer's delight as mockery.] I-I was never interested in history too much in school... I have a bachelor's and three doctorates in science, I never had time...

[He probably couldn't tell you who Garfield or McKinley were or when they served either, tbh.]

Ugh, I have to stand next to the guy at trials. He smells like brine and mustache wax.

Oh no, nobody does! Lincoln's one thing, but the others? Footnotes in history. [He chuckles, waving a hand dismissively.] God, didn't I tell them?

How does he still smell like brine? He's been here a month! Does he not know how the showers work...? [oh god you know what don't answer that]

I don't know, I think his collar sticks up because it's chemically 95% salt at this point. Maybe he's just 95% salt.

[He puts his empty mug down on the desk carefully.]

...I-I, um. I wanna say, thanks for... talking to me. I guess I just, uh, just needed to talk to someone who knew...

[He doesn't seem in a big hurry to leave, though, he just wanted to say it in case the Balladeer decides to kick him out.]

...It'd be a long shot for me to ask if you knew anything about how our memories got removed, right?

It's no problem. I like talking to people, and I think it's...good to have someone to talk to about everything. Even if you...weren't the one who told me in the first place.

[lol, artificially induced confidences]

I wouldn't be able to tell you if I knew. But I actually don't. [The Balladeer frowns. His cider's gone too, but he's still holding the mug; he doesn't seem like he's in a hurry to get Billy out either.] I'd bet it's more along the lines of magic than science. It's a good plot device, you know? New stuff happening every week.

...I-if you didn't already know, I don't think I would've come in here.

[Secret identities and all that.]

...I don't believe in magic. All magic is is science that's more advanced than the beholder. A cell phone would be magic to a caveman. Or, uh, probably also to a pirate.

...Where did my phone go?

That's fair, I don't know anything about science. I just haven't seen any...science-looking things around. [.....] But hey, if they're using some detail of the Garfield assassination, I'll be on top of that.

[lol his specialties are u s e l e s s]

I don't know. The booth?

Oh. Heh, for a second I forgot that Garfield was a president, and I thought you were talking about the cat.

[He looks awkward at that.]

I haven't, um. Visited the booth, yet.

Well, it's not like he was in office for long. Got shot after six months. [.....] I always thought he seemed like a nice man.

Oh. Yeah, some people's stuff is in there. But they're just going to give you whatever they feel like, so there's a more-than-even chance it'll be junk.

I bet a lot of presidents were nice enough, some of them have that kind of big friendly grandpa aesthetic to them. The older ones, anyway.

That's weird. Another plot device thing? Like, uh.... What's the one with the gun on the mantle? Only I guess it's like, um, the...random crap that comes out of the booth in Act 1 has to be relevant by Act 3...

I only know a whole lot about the ones with major assassination attempts, to be honest. Didn't get a lot of exposure otherwise.

[He listens to that attempt at explanation with his head tilted slightly for a second, then brightens.] Oh, Chekov's gun! Yeah, that's...huh. Yeah. I guess the razor did come out of there.

[god damn it

at least gabe's trap was made entirely out of costume and prop stuff]

Yeah, I only kinda know the ones from my lifetime. Carter and, uh, Reagan, and...them.

[Anyway!

That response is very interesting, and Billy considers it for a moment, before something that the Balladeer said earlier comes back to him.]

Can I, uh. Can I ask you...something else?

Heh, yeah, Reagan. Hinckley's such a creep.

[He said to the other guy he knows who stalks women, um]

Sure.

[The difference is that Billy knows that Penny won't be happy if he kills Hammer, he just has a contingency plan.

Also he doesn't remember that yet um.]

...Why do you want to help the Showrunners, if you don't agree with what- with what they're making us do?

I...

[That doesn't seem to have been what he was expecting; he opens his mouth as if to speak, then closes it, and then eventually goes on in a lower tone of voice, leaning forward in his chair.]

I didn't think it was going to be like this.

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