tellthestory | THE BOX OFFICE

...I don't...

[The Balladeer cocks his head for a moment, frowning, as if collecting his thoughts.]

You know I don't have a family, so tell me if I'm out of line. But if you have to do all that just to get a shot at acknowledgement, it's not really going to happen. Not the way you want it to. Thinking you're...useful isn't the same thing as actually caring.

You've got a whole world of possibilities open to you, Hans. You really do. There's probably a million things out there that would end up making you happy.

That's how it's always been.

[ It's kind of all he knows. This conversation has clearly opened some mental pathways but he's still resistant to change. For now. He can't just decide his whole life's goal has been meaningless overnight. What do mean, being useful isn't the same as being loved? ]

I don't kn... nothing else would make me happy. This is it. I'll show them I'm not just the thirteenth son and then my father will have to take notice of me.

[ He doesn't sound as sure as before, but his conviction is still there, somehow. ]

You're still going to be the thirteenth son.

[He apparently just can't stop himself from making that entirely factual observation.]

I don't understand why people would have that many children and then treat them like that. Let me guess, you weren't really allowed to go socialize with non-royal kids from normal families?

Don't remind me.

[ Like, seriously, he hears that so much. From all his brothers. And his dad. And sometimes his mom. ]

Not really. I had enough brothers that my parents felt I didn't really need any friends outside the castle, but with how they treated me... I was closer to the staff than anything.

[ That's embarrassing to admit but there's literally 0 point in lying to the Balladeer so what the hell. ]

Is there something wrong with being thirteenth? That doesn't have anything to do with anything, it's like shaming you for being born on a Thursday.

[The Balladeer knows a lot of things but he does not actually know on what day Hans was born. Figure of speech.]

That's not so bad, I guess. [Says the man with like zero friends tops] Still seems like it would've been better to spend time with kids your own age.

Well, it's bad luck, obviously. But after a while, the line of succession gets so broad that I may as well not be family at all.

[ Hans was probably born in the winter, on a cold day, where his father's words were probably "oh, not another one." ]

I mean, yes, it's better than nothing. I never needed friends growing up, I grew up fine.

[ No, you didn't, Hans. You did not. ]

People who grew up fine don't usually go on to try assassinating world leaders.

[t r u s t h i m]

The line of succession shouldn't matter. I daresay most of the people other people care about aren't the ones who'll actually inherit their stuff when they die.

[ Rude, tbh. ]

I mean, murder isn't my only option for getting rid of Elsa...

[ She can just abdicate or step down when he and Anna have kids! This is totally fine, right? ]

Wait, really? Then what's the point of being royalty if I don't... rule something?

Uh-huh.

[don't fuck with him hans]

I don't know. I'm American, we don't have a royal family. If you were a president's kid, you'd be expected to just go build your own life like everyone else. It could be politics, sure, but not everybody wants that.

If you weren't a royal, would you still want to be in charge of a country?

[ I mean they're in murder hell, he wouldn't be surprised if the Balladeer went and killed someone too. ]

I see.

[ Hans kind of nods, thinking about it. ]

Maybe not a country, but I do like being in charge. But who doesn't? When you work hard on something and people take notice...! There's nothing better.

That's a decent impulse.

[Even if obviously born from a childhood where no one noticed him at all. But that's one observation he can keep to himself (unless Hans kills someone, probably). In fact...his brow furrows as he runs that sentence over again in his head.]

Being in charge and people noticing your hard work aren't...actually the same thing. But I think I get where you're coming from. I don't know if running a country is the best way to get that, though - do people generally like their kings?

[ Don't sound so surprised, Hans can have normal people dreams sometimes, too! ]

Aren't the people in charge usually the ones people turn to for help? I mean, even here, people notice when I help them or lend them a shoulder to lean on. Just because I do it for my sake doesn't make what I do any less helpful.

[ Helping people is still helping people even if you do it for yourself, right? Hans seems sure of this, at least that's what he tells himself. He shrugs. ]

Generally, yes. My father's something of an a-- a jerk, but his people still love him.

[ Of course, when you inherit a throne it's not really that much work, is it? Who knows. ]

I've never heard of a leader that at least some people didn't hate. You can't please everyone.

...and don't mince words, your father's an asshole. [this is the realtalk zone didn't you hear him verbally assault a teenage girl who was about to die]

[ Wow, rude. He's supposed to be a Disney prince but yeah, ok. ]

He is. He literally goaded my brothers into belittling me for my entire life. He's an asshole. [ That feels good to say, quite honestly. ]

So you think I shouldn't become a ruler? If I can't please everybody, what's the point?

[The Balladeer scoffs.] An actual king, and he still acts like a petty tyrant on a power trip. That's hereditary rule for you.

[...but yes, returning to the point. As fun as it is to shit on King Hans's Dad.]

I don't know if I can tell you what you should do. I just think your idea of being a ruler is really rosy. You can keep this up now, but a king can't change himself just to suit whoever he's talking to - policy's gotta stay policy.

...actually, let me amend that. I don't think you should become a ruler via murder. [Here or there, let it be on the record that he is still anti-murder.]

[ Hans shrugs. That's family for you! ]

That's true... [ You have given Hans much to think about, Balladeer. Even if he won't change his ways overnight (or at all,) it's nice to go over this stuff with someone. ]

You know, for a guy narrating a show where we're being bribed into kill each other, you're surprisingly anti-murder.

...yeah. Well. I might be a narrator, but I kinda hoped that didn't mean I had to tell the same kind of story all the time.

[He seems vaguely grumpy about this. Is it him? Is he just a death magnet?]

Maybe you were cast for your familiarity with the role.

[ That's probably what the management said, word for word. ]

I mean, I'm assuming your last job dealt with murder, too?

You know, that's actually exactly what they said.

[yep]

My last job was just me and a bunch of murderers. So, even though not all of you are like that, I guess it made sense to send someone who's used to that kind of crowd. [He snorts a little.] Honestly I kind of expected one of you would've tried to kill me by now.

[ Hans knows the corporate lingo, what can you do. ]

Sounds like a thankless job.

[ He does not consider himself one of those, thank you very much. ]

I don't see why they would; you've been nothing but helpful since we got here... I mean, you can't help much, but it's pretty obvious that you're trying to make it work.

[ Hans would do pretty much the same thing in his position... though realistically, he wouldn't be as nice about it. ]

[Hans you tried to assassinate a queen you're literally the exact same thing transplanted to a monarchy]

Things were always tense before. It's sometimes a little hard to imagine that they're not now - I'd be a lot more worried about it if I didn't have the crew looking out for me.

But yeah, this has all been...pretty good.

[ Shhhhhhh, he's better. Hans totally thinks he's better than those ruffians. ~~Presidents are elected, after all!~~ ]

I guess we're all hopeful, for now. It's not like you're the one who trapped us here.

[ Though who knows how long that peace will last. ]

Speaking of... this crew you work with, are they stage hands? Are you allowed to tell me about them?

You don't really...acknowledge the stagehands too much in the actual show. They work under cover of darkness for a reason.

But I'll tell you they're around, and they won't hurt anyone or mess with anything. Their job's just to keep this place in working order. You can pretty much pretend they aren't there.

Right, they're supposed to blend in with the scenery, aren't they?

[ Kind of weird, but at least Hans doesn't know about ninjas. Or he'd ask if they were ninjas. ]

They're the ones restocking the food and the storage room, and stuff like that?

I don't run around at night doing that stuff.

...I should probably mention they're not really supposed to go in you guys's dressing rooms, though. There's no real rules about it, but there's nothing that needs them in there.

THE BOX OFFICE

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